Can anyone give me feedback on my private school essay?Answered
Hi! I'm currently a rising 9th grader and applying to multiple top private schools such as Philips Exeter. I recently finished my application for Philips Andover but am a bit worried about my essay. Could anyone offer some constructive criticism or some feedback? Thanks! Essay will be down below.
A single teacher changed my life. No, literally. In four years, I went from being a star student to a class clown, and then back again. But to understand that, we need to rewind.
My journey began in bustling Malden. My parents were students and held jobs, and my earliest days were filled with long days and struggles. It was from my parents that I learned the fruits of your labor pay off, and I'm forever grateful. When I entered Elementary School, we moved to a new town. It was there my love for literature flourished. My first library card led to weekly visits every Tuesday, and hundreds of books came in and out of my room. I digested myself In the great works of Dahl, Watterson, and more. There came a new world for me to dive into with every novel, a new topic to learn. The arts were an open canvas too. Something I had a talent for but also enjoyed.
However, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. My most significant setback in life was in my control, my behavior in class. I was the class nuisance. Others shunned my interests, and my fellow peers teased me for my love of reading. Even my Chinese School filled with my best friends bullied me. I chose to change who I was, my whole personality. Like I wasn't good enough. Books became detention slips, and I was trapped in this endless cycle of commotion. Perhaps my life shifted with my unassuming second-grade teacher. I behaved horribly in her class, but she was different; she recognized my potential. She recommended my parent's courses in the arts and CARED about me—the most meaningful teacher of my life.
Middle school was a clean slate, a chance to restart. I finally realized I didn't have to change. Why did I need to be fake? I was myself. Andrew. Revisiting my reading habits, I discovered the power of writing, which I continue today. My pen and paper proved to be more potent than my past actions and even garnered a state-wide award in 6th grade. The wonders of novels filled my life again, except the lores' of Tolkien and Rowling this time. Obsessing over books became a head-start in English class, and I often connected with teachers over our shared interests. Perhaps the most critical piece I learned was how people could change lives. Sure the phrase is trivial, but those around me shaped who I am today.
Starting day one, I wanted to be a supportive hand to my school's students. I stressed the same values I learned in my job as a Student Council president and community member. I've created helplines, listened to student ideas, and valued a sense of family in my school. Striving to make a more accepting environment, I always hope that the work of my peers and me will benefit someone. A person in need of a helping hand. Because I was that person, I was.
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1 answer
The standard response here will be:
I recommend that you put this essay through the CV peer essay review or if you want a more professional assessment then opt for one of the paid reviews. This blog is for questions directly relating to the applying to undergraduate college programs only. Not private boarding schools.
Since I've done these Gateway to Boarding School applications I'll be more accommodating:
As someone who attends Deerfield and heading to Columbia in the fall, I will say that I love the honesty in your essay. That being said, I'm not sure that writing about your past as a difficult and disruptive problem student gives any admissions officer at a top boarding school confidence that they should advocate for you. These schools are trying to pick the cream of the crop from students all over the world, and most of them have been model citizens from the time they were born. 85-90% of applicants are getting rejected left and right, and most of the rejects have stellar academic and character traits.
Where I see the disconnect in your essay is I don't know how your past deficits makes the reader more empathetic to your journey. I'm certain your parents and teachers are happy with the transformative progress you've made. But keep in mind they are supposed to be on your side looking out for your best interests. Top Private Boarding Schools like Ivy League Colleges, adore underdogs, or those that have come out on top from marginalized background, illness, disability, or bullying experience. Without knowing what caused you be so disruptive in class, the knee jerk reaction is that you were immature and insensitive to your peers and surroundings.
If one were on a dating site looking for your perfect match, one might not talk about one's previous addiction to porn or drug use. Even though you are not the person today as you were 5 years ago and feel you are 100% rehabilitated from being that immature conflicted student, you have to ask yourself, would Philips Exeter actually prefer you in their school over someone that has no history of not working well with students and teachers?
You could argue that the notion of the school motto "Non Sibi" is about finding your better version of your self but I think it has to do with your commitment and character to help others who can't help themselves. "Non Sibi" to me means fighting for the underdog not being the kid who disrupts with no contrition, remorse, act of apology to those harmed. Maybe you have and did but why is that missing?
While I do applaud you for improving yourself as a student, I would re-read the Exeter essay prompt and see if you successfully answered what they really want to know about you. I do understand from the last sentences that you hold leadership roles today however I have trouble connecting the dots from the start the essay to how you end it.
As a developing 14 year old, you are not supposed to have everything figured out so I'm happy you reached out for help. Now you have to decide what to do with that help because your essay will be one of the main deciding factors on whether you can properly express and articulate your character and thoughts for wanting to pursue a private boarding school education.
Good luck.
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Hello! Thank you for the honest feedback. Unfortunately I've already submitted this essay, but I'm quite worried(which is why I decided to post it) I do agree that there are some problems with the essay, and I will try to use this as a learning experience. Do you think this explanation of my misbehavior was good enough? "Others shunned my interests, and my fellow peers teased me for my love of reading. Even my Chinese School filled with my best friends bullied me. I chose to change who I was"