Can I have help on my college admissions essay?

Hi everyone. I'm a junior in high school and would love it if I can have some help on reviewing my college essay. I would love it if you guys can help with these things: Clarity and Flow: Are the events easy to follow, and does the narrative transition smoothly? Emotional Impact: Does my essay effectively convey the emotions and personal growth I experienced during the incident? Are there specific areas where the emotional depth or character development could be enhanced? Engagement Factor: Does the introduction capture attention well, and are there parts of the essay that could be more compelling or vivid with additional details? Personal Touch: Do you feel like you know my personality or at least have a good idea?

The prompt is: The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter can be fundamental to later success. Recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

Word count: 642

Colleges Applying To: Brown University, Carroll University, Columbia University, Cornell University, Dartmouth College, Duke University, Harvard University, Marquette University, Princeton University, Stanford University, University of Chicago, University of Minnesota Twin Cities, University of Pennsylvania, University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, University of Wisconsin-La Crosse, University of Wisconsin-Madison, Yale University

At 4:00 PM, I walked through the hospital doors, engulfed by antiseptic air, burnt coffee, and muffled cries. The hospital ran like clockwork—nurses were focused, patients settled, and I moved through tasks confidently. Though not a natural leader, my empathy helped me navigate my role. However, a shift change disrupted communication, leading to frustration.

During a patient transfer, I moved a post-surgery patient to their new room, leaving their belongings behind—a standard procedure I didn’t question. Due to the shift change, their items were lost. When I delivered a wheelchair at 6:30 PM, their frustration was palpable.

"Where’s my stuff?" they demanded.

As a new CNA, my initial confidence wavered, and doubt crept in—was this my fault? Their tone stung, a reminder of my inexperience. It made me question if I truly belonged in this role, making me doubt my ability to provide care. I had entered healthcare eager to help, but at that moment, I felt overwhelmed. Their frustration wasn’t just about their belongings; it mirrored my fears of inadequacy and desire to prove myself in this demanding environment.

I considered walking away, letting the nurses handle it. But this was my responsibility. Walking away meant neglecting my duty, something I couldn't justify. When nurses dismissed my request for help, I took matters into my own hands.

Determined, I speed-walked across floors, legs aching, exhaustion pressing down. Frustration brewed—I had to fix this alone. Upon returning, I found the patient attempting to stand, unsteady and at risk of falling. Their focus on missing belongings clouded their judgment.

"Wait, please," I urged, handing them their bag.

At that moment, I realized—this wasn’t about frustration. It was about patient safety. It wasn’t about following the right steps; it was about making situational decisions and acting fast to prevent something worse. The moment passed, but it lingered in my mind.

Reflecting afterwards on the situation, I questioned my actions. Could I have done better? Had I failed? No, I didn’t fail. I didn’t ignore the patient. I stepped up, problem-solving under pressure. This wasn’t failure; it was resilience. I used to think confidence came from doing everything right. Now, I know confidence grows when you do your best, despite doubts.

Healthcare isn’t just about saving lives; it’s ensuring patients feel acknowledged. Before this experience, I hadn’t fully realized how small miscommunications could quickly escalate into major frustrations for patients and staff. I learned that healthcare isn’t just about protocols—it’s about ensuring respect, understanding, and quick decisions that make a difference. Retrieving the patient’s belongings wasn’t just a task; it was about understanding their emotional state and preventing potential harm.

This realization deepened my understanding that while protocols guide us, compassion and timely actions truly define our impact. Patients don’t see the chaos behind the scenes; they only feel whether their needs are met—or forgotten.

At 4:00 PM, I walked into the hospital believing confidence meant perfection. By 7:00 PM, I learned that real confidence is built through resilience—through stepping up in moments of uncertainty, taking responsibility, and showing up when it matters most. That’s the mindset I’ll carry forward, not just in medicine, but in every path I pursue. I want to be more than just a caregiver—I want to listen when others feel unheard, find solutions when problems seem impossible, and ensure every person feels seen, valued, and understood. Care isn’t just about procedures—it’s about presence and showing up when it matters most. Whether through health-related clubs, community service, or collaborative research, I will seek opportunities to extend this compassion beyond hospital walls. Medicine is not just a career path—it is a commitment to people, a promise to uplift, advocate, and heal. Through every challenge, doubt, and moment of uncertainty, I will hold onto the lessons that shaped me—resilience, empathy, and the unshakable will to rise, again and again.